So,
it doesn't matter
how many sad songs I listen to
doesn't matter how long
in to the night I cry
when you're not even here
by my side
can't even breathe
let alone sit still
rocking myself
never felt so good
when your touch
is all I ever longed for
this is gonna have to do.
I have managed to squeeze in a bit of time to do an entry, but oh my gosh, life has been incredibly busy, mostly working in our scrap metal business, navigating on the scrap runs and admin work has been 24-7!! Even over the Easter Holiday break when some businesses are closed! It's Saturday here in South Australia, and it has been icy cold both at night and by day, Friday was our coldest daytime temperature in ages for this time of the year.
This past week, I have been doing everything, working in the day, admin duties at night, housework wise I have also been doing the dishes - washing AND putting away. None of the kids have helped out, even hubby hadn't for the most part either. Cooking dinners, making school lunches, injuring myself on top of the regular fibro pains... I have flipped my lid at the school, at our neighbours (which we had to call the police about) and at my children.
I have reached my limit.
This is what life is like when I am not on a medical certificate that exempts me from mutual obligations. It has been so crazy trying to organise the paper work and the bullshit the social security system and job networks put on their clients; especially when I am working over 30 hours a week!! The amount of pressure I am under is causing significant mental health strain and negative thoughts; as well as incredibly debilitating pains, to which I have not had any pain-relievers for, only the Magnesium forte.
Mother's Day is tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about that, hubby is doing an amazing job of rallying the troops to get things organised for the morning for me, especially with the boys. Lots of secret stuff going on today. Yes, I am minding my business instead of being my usual curious self.
.....
Drinking: Bottled water
So, I have been thinking about the urban slang term - Ghosting (all day) and what it actually means when not used to describe the actions of a potential date or boyfriend.
This has led me to believe that it could in fact be used to describe a similar situation that my own family have put me in. Which then makes me wonder how do we determine the difference between this term and the well known word - ignored.
Drinking: water
Day 3 of South Australia's 7-Day Lock-down.
I started the day out okay, I made porridge for Henry and myself (there was enough left for Tilli when she woke up as well). Breakfast ended up being a brunch as it was after 11:30am - I found out that Blair had been awake and not eaten breakfast. Seriously! So when he asked for porridge as well I told him no, and that he needed to eat a bowl of Weetbix. The household was well aware that given we were having breakfast so late we wouldn't need lunch, just an afternoon snack. I'm pretty sure they all agreed with me. That was until the afternoon came around. 2pm and both the boys wanted something to eat - that was only 2 hours after brunch!
Maybe it seemed I started the day out okay, but on some other level I really wasn't okay. Tonight I am feeling depressed. Again I put together a meal for the family, again I fed the dogs and the cat AND the aquarium fish. Again I washed the dishes from the day. Three days of doing the same olé same olé routine. My back is really sore tonight, in the lower and the middle near the spine, I have a heatbag on it at the moment, sitting at my desk. My head is aching, my neck is really quite painful, and has been for over a month now. Yes I stopped the contraceptive pill but I am still waiting for the migraines to stop, for a period to start?? I honestly think I am perimenopausal - that would certainly explain the moods and the bloody annoying hot flushes.
Severe weather forecast across the entire state overnight wind in excess of 100kms per-hour!
I'm so lonely...
I try to talk to him, but I always feel like I am being shut down.That he doesn't have the time to talk to me, even if it's a brief moment, a few seconds of time to ask something so simple. Sadness has seeped in now that I cannot even have (true) personal time with my hubby. It's not too much to ask, nor should I even have to. I have great conversations with my 6 year old - but that's different, although he acts like he's a teenager. I yearn to have someone of my age and intellect to communicate with. I have no emotional or intellectual connection.
It seems to be a bit of a trigger as well, in my past emotions and affection were controlled by my partner at the time.
He seems to have all the time in the world for his mate, he makes time for him, but not me, all we do is argue. he doesn't know me anymore, I love him so much, yet I don't love this feeling, I don't love the hole that's creeping in my heart, the part of me that yearns to be touched, a hand to be held, a hug to hide. I feel broken. I've even told him that I am yearning for an emotional and intellectual connection - yet he doesn't have it in him. I feel like I am dying, a part of me is dying the part of me that is love. He seemed to freak out when he thought I wanted to end our marriage - seriously this is not that, although it does feel a little like a broken heart because his new passion is his mate. He messages him all the time, a few times a day, he plays an online game with him all the time. He works with him. I don't think it is his mate's fault - I think it is what my hubby wants to do.
It hurts so much.
We've become so distant, he doesn't even seem a part of life anymore, even though we live in the same home. We're like passing shadows of what we once were.
-
I need someone, please is there anyone, is there someone listening to me.
I've tried talking to my imagination, but no one hears me anymore.
I've cried too many times, yet there is no emotion.
No one is there for me.
Alone.
Drinking: Lemonade Listening to: Anthem Lights, Hymn Capella Album
I managed to clean the toilet this morning after making porridge for the boys and myself - which I made more for me then anyone, even if Henry (6) asked me to make it for him. And of course Blair (9) wants anything that Henry is having. Then I had some Vegemite toast to balance out the sweet porridge with some savoury - before a migraine triggered. Henry never ate his 2 slices, I kind of figured he wouldn't because I gave him so much porridge (oats). About 30 minutes later Blair decides that he wants toast as well. So I told him to eat Henry's slices. He stood there in the middle of the kitchen floor and ate both slices without any butter or condiments! Seriously! I told him to stop being so lazy. In hindsight I should have made him at least get out a plate.
Everything Blair has done today - has been done with little to no effort. He has chosen to not help with any of the dishes - not washing them, nor putting any away. (There was the equivalent of 3 days worth.) Even though I have allowed him to sit and watch YouTube for the better part of the day. And I let him watch a movie in his bedroom late yesterday. I allowed him to play with his sensory sand - even though it pisses me off when he gets little bits of it everywhere! And I mean literally everywhere.
On the other hand, Henry has not stopped showing me love, through hugs, smiles, or simply telling me that he loves me. So adorable. Somehow a little annoying but I try not to let it phase me so much, because one day he'll be a teenager (or a 9 year old!) Don't get me wrong he hasn't been all hugs and love today. He made a B-choice and decided to (attempt) to trash his scooter on the trampoline, and when that didn't work he tossed one of Blair's thong's over the fence. Which is kind of funny because I wasn't happy with Blair.
Tilli (14) stayed last night (and tonight) at a friend's house. Which gives me a nice break from her - her teenage years have been so hard - and me being the empath that I am I have always found it so terribly hard to be just that - hard on my kids. I have gotten better over the years though - I have discovered a new sense of confidence. But lately it's more a case of:
Yes, I am a Mum.
No, I do not want to be a parent anymore.
And I know that's a thing with a lot of other mum's and parents, I have a few articles about it. Kids these days are so different - our generation tends to blame the Digital Revolution.
I just told hubby, via an instant message through fb, that I am very thankful that he opted to stay in our bedroom because it has stopped me from "hurting myself". I also told him that I thought he has taken my blade away from me because I couldn't find it in my drawer. Stupid me though I left it sitting in front of me whilst I started typing out this blog tonight. When he came over to embrace me - he took it away, sneakily. That made me feel a whole mix of emotions all at once, but most especially I felt thankful. And I know he has my best interest at heart.
And in regards to the "hurting myself" over the past few years I have actually only attempted it twice, they have only ever been surface cuts. Insignificant - to me. Probably not to anyone else.
Hubby ended up having a sleep late arvo about 5:30pm - even though he told me this morning that he didn't want to sleep today - whatever! He worked one big job this morning for a property that he does once a month I think. He said he was going to have an hour's rest - ahuh. I felt despondent about cooking dinner tonight, so I made something basic for the kids and decided not to cook anything for myself and figured hubby could make his own meal. All I really wanted was a pancake - but unfortunately to eat one of those I must make it myself. I ended up making two batches one sugar free and high in protein for hubby's health kick and another batch the usual basic pancakes. Both batches ended up being quite thick; which I guess is okay.
2 medium size free range eggs
1 scoop of "very chocolate" flavoured 100% Whey protein powder
1/2 cup frozen mixed berries
1/2 cup rolled oats
1 cup of wholemeal flour
1 cup of self-raising flour
1 cup of (sugar free) tinned apples
1 cup or there-abouts of chilled water
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1. Blitz oats with whey in blender until resembles crumbs, then pour into a mixing bowl.
2. Blitz apples in blender until smooth, add to oats mix.
3. Use Electric beaters to blend 2 eggs separately, then add to mix.
4. Sift in flour in 2 lots, add to mix.
5. Combine ALL ingredients
6. Pour chilled water into mix, gradually stirring until smooth and blended.
7. Let batter sit for 5-10 mins before pouring 10-15cm rounds into hot, lightly sprayed with oil pan.
~
Serve pancakes with a dollop of sugar free berry yoghurt and a handful of fresh mixed berries. If you're not on a health kick swirl a little Queen's sugar-free Maple Syrup on top.
Bon Appetit!
