So, here's what's different this year of 2024 to last year:
My teenage daughter is no longer living at home, I was forced to kick her out late last year because of her toxic behaviour and breaking the (very few) house rules we had for her (and her boyfriend). She had hardly been living at home anyway even though ALL of her things were still in her bedroom.
I have conflicted feelings of loss, grief and relief with my daughter not living with us at home anymore.
Easter 2023
Tilli and her bf (of some 12 months or so) had relationship issues, he cheated on her with another girl who seemed to be wanting sex, Tilli was not ready for that kind of thing. He broke up with her over text messages whilst he was away in Whyalla with family. I then spent weeks consoling Tilli helping her through this heartache. It was awful for a mum going through that with her.
A couple of months later and I found out the two of them had gotten back together - apparently what she had wanted all along, Tilli couldn't let her first love go. I did not seek help from my mum with this situation, I could not whilst she was battling cancer and grandma's ill health. So I was on my own with whatever issues I faced with Reece or Tilli or the boys. During this time Tilli quit her job at Hungry Jack's and stopped attending her MADEC training course for a Cert III in Childcare. She also stopped attending high school. Tilli was supposed to be living at home with us, though spent many nights away during this time with other people and I often did not know where she was. She told us sometimes that she hated living at home and wanted to not come home. Throughout this time we had been pretty easy on rules with Tilli only asking that she let us know if she wasn't coming home for the night and if she was that she would be home through the front door before 9:30 pm. Which was to allow the boys not to be woken up from their bedtime routines before school.
After Tilli had broken up with her bf we had told her that we did not want him in our home anymore. I think this is why she started sneaking around not telling us anything. Her bf has a lot of angry issues and manipulative behaviour - something I am all too familiar with in my life so I tried to warn Tilli, but this is her first love and well we know how they go!
May 19th 2023 Grandma placed on End of Life Care.
I did go to see Grandma near the end. I did witness her in the last moments of life. I was not there when she died though. We all were able to see her one last time on Mother's Day 2023. She was happy then, like she was able to say goodbye to us all and her grandchildren, her great grandchildren. It was after mother's day that she went downhill fast. Grandma was 101 when she passed away and was laid to rest with her beloved husband who had passed away some years early in 1997.
May 21st 2023 Grandma passed away at 5am.
June 2nd Grandma's funeral.
Not long after Grandma's funeral Tilli had a drunken weekend away with her friends.
June 9th-12th 2023 Tilli was staying at Mt Compass with a female friend and some other mates.
June 20th 2023 Tilli left to stay over at a mates place Kyle. Kyle is a best mate of her bf's.
Then she was MIA for a few days and I didn't know where she was, I couldn't find her anywhere, so I called the police and got them involved.
At 4am on Wed 28th June police found her at Bella's house near our home in Seaford. I was told via the police that Tilli was too scared to come home as she was pregnant and feared what Reece might say or do. Tilli appeared to be rather irrational at this time and confused by what had happened. We had made it clear to Tilli that she was welcome home and it was safe for her to be here and that we would all get through this pregnancy together. I was shocked to find out about the pregnancy through the police. I was shocked to find out she was pregnant. That she had had sex with her ex, that she was still seeing her ex even though he had put her through hell.
We learned later that her ex-bf's parents were not aware at all that he had sex with Tilli nor had gotten her pregnant.
Tilli stayed at Bella's House til about the 30th June 2023 then returned home.
18th & 31st July 2023 - we all had a counselling session with Austin at Uniting Care, Christies Beach.
Tilli spent occasional weekends at her bf's house between July - October 2023.
28th August 2023 - we all had a counselling session with Austin at Uniting Care, Christies Beach.
8th September 2023 - I sought out advice about Tilli from a family friend who had been through a similar situation.
11th September 2023 - Session with Austin. all of us.
On the 2nd October 2023, Tilli had her boyfriend meet her at our house in the morning, she let him inside, so she could get changed before a beach visit with him, and I confronted her telling her that he needed to wait outside the front door and not be in the house. She refused to accept this rule. And once they both returned from the beach Reece told her that she was not allowed back in the house. Arguments occurred. Life was difficult and a mess. Reece re-worded his reasoning and threats were made. During the time Tilli was at home following her first break up with her bf she would often say out loud that she wanted to kill herself, the boys would hear this and it wasn't a safe environment.
Tilli grabbed a few things after the beach that day and stayed at her bf's house for the rest of October.
Many nasty and hurtful messages were sent and received, blame and other crap. She told me that her bf's mum was allowing her to live there with them indefinitely. Her bf dad was a major issue though he is a drunk and gets violent. He works 2 weeks away and comes home for 1 week. There have been issues in the past with his alcohol.
In October 2023 I officially decided it was time to tell Tilli she was not allowed to come home. A decision I had to decide on my own.
DCP rang me - 7th November 2023, I found out that Tilli was being evicted from her bf's house and that she was no longer welcome there, she needed to find somewhere else to stay. DCP was involved for her safety. Prior to this Tilli had been placed on a wait list for housing and was trying to seek welfare income to assist her with school. She was back at high school but not in paid employment.And she along with her bf had spent all of her money saved from when she was working.
I told the DCP that Tilli coming home to live would be a last resort as I could not put the boys through that trauma again. I contacted my dad to let him know that Tilli was going to be homeless as of Wednesday 9th November. But, I had purposefully not asked my parents to take Tilli in until she had finished high school at least, because of their situation - Dad's grief and mum's treatment. And having to look after nearly daily my sister's child. I later learned that my dad had then rung Tilli and had organised to pick her up from her bf's house along with the things that she had with her there, on the 9th November.
I think they had thought that I was being silly about the whole thing and that I would in fact allow Tilli to come home. And I am fully aware of my responsibilities as a parent until she turns 18. Whatever legalities that throws me it will have to be this way as I cannot allow Tilli to live with us whilst she remains in a relationship with her bf.
For the moment my parents have not seen her nasty side, they have only seen her sweetness. And I am thankful for that, thankful that they are being strict on her and making her gain employment, making her get mental health help. Making her get her license. And helping her stay in highschool and finish it. Not to say that I didn't do any of those things for her.
The problem with Tilli is that no matter what help I gave her or sought for her she didn't want any of it, she didn't feel she had mental health problems ever! Throughout the time we left her biological to now I guess. I tried so many times to get her help and to help her, unfortunately she has some tendencies like her biological father. I have had to face many types of manipulation from Tilli throughout 2023, gaslighting... It is truly hard having to read the things she writes me. But I have come to know the differences in her style of writing since she has not been living here. I can tell when she is with her bf and when she is with my mum her nonni, by the way she messages me through text.
Somehow, I was not invited to my niece's 3rd Birthday in November 2023. But my daughter was because she is living with my parents.
I was also not involved in Christmas last year. That all hurts. Because over the years I have tried so many times to reconnect with my family and Tilli knows this. I don't have a grandma anymore that I can confide in and I can't ask my mum to pop on her counselling hat for advice or just speak to her as a mum from experience. Or the many times I have reached out for coffee and a chat. Then there is the few times when we have managed to catch up with my mum or mum and dad. and my sister always knows, she always calls mum. And has to come over and see mum at the same time, no matter if she's already seen mum that day or the day before.
I do not get to see my parents at Christmas time anymore, it has become too sad to have Xmas at home without my daughter here. I did not want to partake in Xmas at all last year Dec 2023. I feel like they all blame me for staying with Reece and blame Reece for kicking Tilli out of our home. But this time, that is not the case, this time it was me! I chose this. I didn't want to, but I had to. I don't hate Tilli, I know she needs medication and help but I can't help her this time.
I am hoping to find some help on how I can process these mixed feelings of - is it like an empty-nest syndrome/feeling? Grief from my daughter, how I cope moving forward. I think about Tilli all the time and I still worry for her safety, I know my parents place is not perfect - they both argue a lot and my dad can be violent and get angry. I worry that she doesn't have everything she needs, that she's not allowed to eat the food she needs. Through this I still have to be a mum and be there for my other two boys, even though it seems my family hate me for being there for my step-son and not by own daughter.
I am very proactive in seeking help for any of my children, my husband or family members, but now I need help for me.
PS.
Oh and my dad rang me the other afternoon to tell me that my hubby has burnt all the bridges with him. My dad no longer trusts him (seriously don't believe he ever did) Nor does he want Tilli anywhere near him!
That makes everything EVEN more difficult and complicated now!
