A New Year - 2024 HUGE update

 So, here's what's different this year of 2024 to last year:

My teenage daughter is no longer living at home, I was forced to kick her out late last year because of her toxic behaviour and breaking the (very few) house rules we had for her (and her boyfriend). She had hardly been living at home anyway even though ALL of her things were still in her bedroom. 

I have conflicted feelings of loss, grief and relief with my daughter not living with us at home anymore. 

Easter 2023 

Tilli and her bf (of some 12 months or so) had relationship issues, he cheated on her with another girl who seemed to be wanting sex, Tilli was not ready for that kind of thing. He broke up with her over text messages whilst he was away in Whyalla with family. I then spent weeks consoling Tilli helping her through this heartache. It was awful for a mum going through that with her. 

A couple of months later and I found out the two of them had gotten back together - apparently what she had wanted all along, Tilli couldn't let her first love go. I did not seek help from my mum with this situation, I could not whilst she was battling cancer and grandma's ill health. So I was on my own with whatever issues I faced with Reece or Tilli or the boys. During this time Tilli quit her job at Hungry Jack's and stopped attending her MADEC training course for a Cert III in Childcare. She also stopped attending high school. Tilli was supposed to be living at home with us, though spent many nights away during this time with other people and I often did not know where she was. She told us sometimes that she hated living at home and wanted to not come home. Throughout this time we had been pretty easy on rules with Tilli only asking that she let us know if she wasn't coming home for the night and if she was that she would be home through the front door before 9:30 pm. Which was to allow the boys not to be woken up from their bedtime routines before school.

After Tilli had broken up with her bf we had told her that we did not want him in our home anymore. I think this is why she started sneaking around not telling us anything. Her bf has a lot of angry issues and manipulative behaviour - something I am all too familiar with in my life so I tried to warn Tilli, but this is her first love and well we know how they go!

May 19th 2023 Grandma placed on End of Life Care.

I did go to see Grandma near the end. I did witness her in the last moments of life. I was not there when she died though. We all were able to see her one last time on Mother's Day 2023. She was happy then, like she was able to say goodbye to us all and her grandchildren, her great grandchildren. It was after mother's day that she went downhill fast. Grandma was 101 when she passed away and was laid to rest with her beloved husband who had passed away some years early in 1997.

May 21st 2023 Grandma passed away at 5am.

June 2nd Grandma's funeral.

Not long after Grandma's funeral Tilli had a drunken weekend away with her friends. 

June 9th-12th 2023 Tilli was staying at Mt Compass with a female friend and some other mates. 

June 20th 2023 Tilli left to stay over at a mates place Kyle. Kyle is a best mate of her bf's.

Then she was MIA for a few days and I didn't know where she was, I couldn't find her anywhere, so I called the police and got them involved. 

At 4am on Wed 28th June police found her at Bella's house near our home in Seaford. I was told via the police that Tilli was too scared to come home as she was pregnant and feared what Reece might say or do. Tilli appeared to be rather irrational at this time and confused by what had happened. We had made it clear to Tilli  that she was welcome home and it was safe for her to be here and that we would all get through this pregnancy together. I was shocked to find out about the pregnancy through the police. I was shocked to find out she was pregnant. That she had had sex with her ex, that she was still seeing her ex even though he had put her through hell. 

We learned later that her ex-bf's parents were not aware at all that he had sex with Tilli nor had gotten her pregnant. 

Tilli stayed at Bella's House til about the 30th June 2023 then returned home.

18th & 31st July 2023 - we all had a counselling session with Austin at Uniting Care, Christies Beach. 

Tilli spent occasional weekends at her bf's house between July - October 2023.

28th August 2023 - we all had a counselling session with Austin at Uniting Care, Christies Beach.

8th September 2023 -  I sought out advice about Tilli from a family friend who had been through a similar situation.

11th September 2023 - Session with Austin. all of us.

On the 2nd October 2023, Tilli had her boyfriend meet her at our house in the morning, she let him inside, so she could get changed before a beach visit with him, and I confronted her telling her that he needed to wait outside the front door and not be in the house. She refused to accept this rule. And once they both returned from the beach Reece told her that she was not allowed back in the house. Arguments occurred. Life was difficult and a mess. Reece re-worded his reasoning and threats were made. During the time Tilli was at home following her first break up with her bf she would often say out loud that she wanted to kill herself, the boys would hear this and it wasn't a safe environment. 

Tilli grabbed a few things after the beach that day and stayed at her bf's house for the rest of October. 

Many nasty and hurtful messages were sent and received, blame and other crap. She told me that her bf's mum was allowing her to live there with them indefinitely. Her bf dad was a major issue though he is a drunk and gets violent. He works 2 weeks away and comes home for 1 week. There have been issues in the past with his alcohol. 

In October 2023 I officially decided it was time to tell Tilli she was not allowed to come home.  A decision I had to decide on my own.

DCP rang me - 7th November 2023, I found out that Tilli was being evicted from her bf's house and that she was no longer welcome there, she needed to find somewhere else to stay. DCP was involved for her safety. Prior to this Tilli had been placed on a wait list for housing and was trying to seek welfare income to assist her with school. She was back at high school but not in paid employment.And she along with her bf had spent all of her money saved from when she was working.

I told the DCP that Tilli coming home to live would be a last resort as I could not put the boys through that trauma again. I contacted my dad to let him know that Tilli was going to be homeless as of Wednesday 9th November. But, I had purposefully not asked my parents to take Tilli in until she had finished high school at least, because of their situation - Dad's grief and mum's treatment. And having to look after nearly daily my sister's child. I later learned that my dad had then rung Tilli and had organised to pick her up from her bf's house along with the things that she had with her there, on the 9th November. 

I think they had thought that I was being silly about the whole thing and that I would in fact allow Tilli to come home. And I am fully aware of my responsibilities as a parent until she turns 18. Whatever legalities that throws me it will have to be this way as I cannot allow Tilli to live with us whilst she remains in a relationship with her bf. 

For the moment my parents have not seen her nasty side, they have only seen her sweetness. And I am thankful for that, thankful that they are being strict on her and making her gain employment, making her get mental health help. Making her get her license. And helping her stay in highschool and finish it. Not to say that I didn't do any of those things for her.

The problem with Tilli is that no matter what help I gave her or sought for her she didn't want any of it, she didn't feel she had mental health problems ever! Throughout the time we left her biological to now I guess. I tried so many times to get her help and to help her, unfortunately she has some tendencies like her biological father. I have had to face many types of manipulation from Tilli throughout 2023, gaslighting... It is truly hard having to read the things she writes me. But I have come to know the differences in her style of writing since she has not been living here. I can tell when she is with her bf and when she is with my mum her nonni, by the way she messages me through text. 

Somehow, I was not invited to my niece's 3rd Birthday in November 2023. But my daughter was because she is living with my parents.

I was also not involved in Christmas last year. That all hurts. Because over the years I have tried so many times to reconnect with my family and Tilli knows this. I don't have a grandma anymore that I can confide in and I can't ask my mum to pop on her counselling hat for advice or just speak to her as a mum from experience. Or the many times I have reached out for coffee and a chat. Then there is the few times when we have managed to catch up with my mum or mum and dad. and my sister always knows, she always calls mum. And has to come over and see mum at the same time, no matter if she's already seen mum that day or the day before.

I do not get to see my parents at Christmas time anymore, it has become too sad to have Xmas at home without my daughter here. I did not want to partake in Xmas at all last year Dec 2023. I feel like they all blame me for staying with Reece and blame Reece for kicking Tilli out of our home. But this time, that is not the case, this time it was me! I chose this. I didn't want to, but I had to. I don't hate Tilli, I know she needs medication and help but I can't help her this time. 

I am hoping to find some help on how I can process these mixed feelings of - is it like an empty-nest syndrome/feeling? Grief from my daughter, how I cope moving forward. I think about Tilli all the time and I still worry for her safety, I know my parents place is not perfect - they both argue a lot and my dad can be violent and get angry. I worry that she doesn't have everything she needs, that she's not allowed to eat the food she needs. Through this I still have to be a mum and be there for my other two boys, even though it seems my family hate me for being there for my step-son and not by own daughter. 

I am very proactive in seeking help for any of my children, my husband or family members, but now I need help for me. 

PS. 

Oh and my dad rang me the other afternoon to tell me that my hubby has burnt all the bridges with him. My dad no longer trusts him (seriously don't believe he ever did) Nor does he want Tilli anywhere near him! 

That makes everything EVEN more difficult and complicated now!

So alone - Relationship/Marriage Breakdown

 Finally, I can sit still, by myself and breathe. Just breathe and rest my heart and my mind.

Today was quiet, whilst hubby was away at Cudlee Creek on a huge property job, second trip there. I chose to stay home today to give Henry a break from the travelling of the scrap runs. And to give me a break.

My mum had another round of chemo today, from 10am to 5pm it was a long day for her and dad. And this played heavily on my mind, on my heart.

My daughter had a work shift at 6pm tonight (Friday) .

Hubby came home at about 5:40pm . He did not want to then take Tilli to work after driving and working all day. Understandably. 

Family dynamics have been on edge for a couple of days, but if you ask hubby he will say it's been more like 6 months! Always contradicting time frames with him.. 

There is no work / life balance at the moment. Life is hectic.

I feel so much more alone since mum found out she has breast cancer. I feel like I do not have my mum to lean on when my relationship with hubby gets hard; like I did a few months ago, when my mum was there for me and came down and went shopping with me. We even went out for coffee. I had her support then, but not now, I could not bring myself to share my troubles with her right now. I therefore don't have anyone to lean on right now. 

I'm tired of the arguing, the tears, the endless crying in the shower so no one else can see me hurting. I hate this - having to hide the tears from my kids, especially Henry. Sometimes Henry knows how I feel long before I do. 

Listening to my music tonight - well early hours of Saturday morning. helping me cry more at least. My mum has cancer, my mum has lost all of her hair because of the strong treatments. My Grandma is weak and it may not be long before she's no longer with us - she's 101 years old now. 

Our finances are not great, we have a car waiting to be re-possessed by the lender - it's been months now. We have a huge monthly phone bill that I struggle to pay and only 1 third of it is to do with me. Most of it is hubby's. When he's home he's more focused with his phone, playing a game or watching videos or tiktoks...

My relationship with my hubby is strained. He's told me he can not be romantic like he used to be in the start (nine years ago now). He's told me he struggles to be affectionate. It's been like that for months now. It hurts, it hurts so much to be married to a man who no longer can be affectionate or romantic with me. You have to think - surely it's me. There's something wrong with me. 

I don't want my arse slapped, I don't want it pinched. You know that's not what I like. Why... they always say they will never be like the guy you were last with. The guy that never gave you massages, the guy that never gave you much of anything really. And strangely that's where I see myself again now. Why are they like that.... Touch means so much to me. Emotional connection means so much more. I feel barren. I need both of those. When I was pregnant with my daughter Tilli I never got massages, never got my feet rubbed didn't get any support really from the guy I was with at that time. When I met my hubby I was told that he could never be like that guy. I never got massages when I was pregnant with Henry either. Why are guys so lazy... why are the guys I am with so lazy... 

I guess this is exactly why I could not be the casual sex type because I needed the emotional connection and the touching. I miss the early days, the early days when I was touched all the time. We've nearly been together 10 years now and married for 8 years.  Understandably my daughter is angry at me because I stay, she sees me, really sees me so she knows how much I am hurting. 

How can I be there for him how he wants me to be, supporting hi,m as a wife when he cannot see all this, no matter how many times I have brought it up with him and told. He just gets angry at me and says he's nothing like "him". But you are becoming like how he was, you may not be him, but you are behaving like the way he did when he was with me.

Having hardly any showers, smelling all the time, not brushing your teeth... sleeping on the couch so much, either because you know you smell or you just can't be bothered going to bed, In a way perhaps that is why I feel barren the way I do.

Endo Pains, Life with Kids, dog attack & Halloween 2021

Drinking: peppermint tea  |  Listening to: Rag'n'Bone Man on Spotify

Endo (Endometriosis) pains are earlier this month, I'm not quite at the 48th day of the cycle just yet (I think it's next Monday) but oh my gawd! Pains in my thighs running down from my pelvis and stabbing pains in my ovaries, combined with that all too familiar deep ache somewhere near my cervix. It all just seems to have come on out of the blue. By the way I'm hiding away in my bedroom because Tilli has forewarned that she is in a REALLY BAD mood, so I let her walk home from the bus stop today. Blair is pissing me off. Lord I am really trying to be there for them all, sometimes, just sometimes you can't. I can't.

A lot of stress has been happening at the moment at home with the kids, with my health, with finance. I know, I know story of everyone's life - this is normal though. This is what our normal is. Crazy, busy, stressful and PAINFUL! I went out of my way last night to make something that I thought my daughter Tilli could try to eat (she's fussy with her food) and given that she has been enjoying scrambled eggs lately I thought I would also try her on a vegetable quiche and serve hers with the salad that she (usually) enjoys eating. It wasn't much trouble for me to make the salad it's only mixed greens with shaved Parmesan cheese and sliced cucumber; no condiments or seasonings - though just between you and me I did add salt and pepper this time. I also had some of the salad with my slice of quiche and heated up fish fingers and chicken fingers for the boys. Yes, it was a bit of a mix-matched dinner but each to their own. Plus I finally got to have a bloody quiche! 

Tilli on learning that dinner was a quiche said no thanks, I don't wanna try it, so I added that I had also put on a few of the chicken fingers for her as backup though she couldn't have many as I needed them for the boys. She seemed to not want any of the salad before even eating some, I had put it in the fridge momentarily to keep it fresh, it wasn't cold at all, yet she told me it was too cold on her teeth and refused to eat any of it. And this is coming from the teenager that crunches on ice-cubes!! Disappointed mumma here. Apparently the chicken fingers were over done, so they were too hard for her to eat and inside them was not a lot of chicken meat. Overly critical children are hard to accommodate. Henry also refused to eat much of his plate of chicken/fish fingers though he did eat his one tiny potato with butter on it, I was happy about that. And surprisingly he turned his nose up at the tomato sauce bottle. Weird! Blair on the other hand on thinking he had started disliking fish fingers actually ate ALL of his and Henry's and Tilli's chicken fingers too. Blair had mixed vegies with his and the buttered spuds. Hubby had the same but with a huge slice of quiche.

Anyway, I enjoyed dinner.

* * *

Had Halloween recently - well back on the 31st October, I wasn't sure how many trick-a-treaters we would get this year, and in the end we actually had a little less then the previous year both due to Covid-19.

 

The blue-fairy lights from Christmas 2020 have been sparkling all year under the big Acacia tree out the front, so I decided to add this year's Halloween spider web to it as well, creating an archway along the slate path. That's our old cat - Molly, we adopted her from the RSPCA quite a few years ago now, she's about 11 years old.

* * *

We didn't want to adopt another dog after Goucho left us for doggie heaven, however a couple of weeks later Skye our Jack Russell x Whippet was really struggling. We had originally adopted Skye from the RSPCA as a companion for Goucho, so all she had known and grown up with from the age of 8 weeks old was having a brother bigger than her. So we did a bit of searching online via the RSPCA and found a beautiful looking dog called Sterling who had come from a bit of a troubled past it seemed, he was 5 years old and 4 months and we were told that in his previous home he was picked on by a bigger dog but grew up with a little baby, and slept at night with a cat. So, after about 2 weeks of having Sterling we unfortunately had to surrender him to the RSPCA because he violently attacked our little Skye. That was a horrible event to witness happen but it was the right thing to do. Sometimes being a parent and having to make these kind of decisions is really hard. 

I had just started to get a soft spot for Sterling - he was like a HUGE (teddy) bear, I still feel sorry for him, sorry he couldn't stay with us and be a part of our family. I hope he finds a more suitable forever home. 

Skye was badly injured though from the attack we took her to the local vet and got her eye lid looked at, we got some ointment for it and a course of pain killers and antibiotics as well. She was also injured near her neck region and a couple of small nicks around her face. Her eye lid was really bad though and she was extremely lucky it wasn't any lower otherwise she would have lost an eye in the attack. There was so much blood everywhere when it happened, I got a lot of it on me. She is much better now though, everything has healed nicely.

Day 2 of South Australia's 7-Day LOCKDOWN

 Drinking: Dilmah Rose & French Vanilla Black Tea

Well Day 1 of the 7-Day Lockdown happened yesterday, the boys are behaving as though it's school holidays still, they had one day back at school this week - Tuesday (as they were both sick on Monday. It's hard enough getting Henry off to school as it is without having a bloody lockdown. Hubby let me sleep in to nearly the middle of the day, I sure as heck needed it after the night before - taking care of hubby and 2 of the kids in one night is a lot for my body. After the sleep in hubby went out to the shed to continue decommissioning the scrap metal items. Yesterday's temperature was freezing, but it's even colder today!! I allowed the boys to watch a little tellie via You-Tube from 4pm til dinner was ready. They could easily watch it ALL day! Tilli kept to herself in her room, resting her injured thigh in her bed, she badly needed to sleep but was somehow unable to, poor thing. 

The weather has been so cold that I have had the heater in the lounge on all night and all day at the moment. Yet I have one son who thinks it's summer cause he is wearing shorts and a tee-shirt! I have many layers on (sitting in my bedroom at my art desk) even a scarf and gloves (the gloves with the exposed fingers). I can literally feel the cold air around my exposed skin - my ears and face. Unfortunately the heater in the lounge does not reach our bedrooms - they remain as cold as the air outside pretty much - and the temperature on our front porch is 8 degrees Celsius so our bedroom is probably 10 degrees Celsius. On my weather app it says that it is 9.1 degrees outside yet feels like 4 degrees!! 

The boys are both doing my head in today, I have had one panic attack when my DES worker rung me and said she may have a job for me. Like seriously what happened to keeping me in the 2 admin jobs I am already working and helping me to stay in them through your funding you offer. The stress from that combined with the kids being home AND lockdown has instantly put my mind into a lack of control and confusion; meaning I am already having negative thoughts - though fleeting, of self harm. Which also makes my head worse - it's been nearly a month now with chronic migraines - what gives! It's been 2 weeks since I had to stop taking the contraceptive pill - because the migraines puts me at increase risk for stroke.

*sighs*

I see my doctor, late next Wednesday afternoon to get a new medical certificate for Centrelink/DES. I'm so worried that my migraines are a result of what they found in my MRI scan of my brain, I wish I could see that neurologist sooner then 12 months! At least to rule out that it's not a tumor and the cyst is not causing the migraines.

Home schooling all three kids whilst in lockdown sucks big time, We have to teach them stuff that we ourselves were never taught when we went through school. We have three different levels of learning: Henry is age 6 in grade 1, Blair is 10 in grade 4 and Tilli is nearly 15 in grade 9. What's stupid is that Henry's school work for the lockdown is more extensive then Blair's! That's 3 instant headaches right there!

On a good news front - Henry has now been sleeping in his own bed for the past 2 nights - we got bunk beds again and I gave him the top bunk. That means I can sleep through the night in my own bed more comfortably.

Accomplished/Resentment

 Drinking: Black Tea

Feeling accomplished with my admin work for Turf Terminator, which is huge for me, this week I have spent on average 3 hours or so per day on it. Though most of today was spent on the road, I still managed to get in 3 hours total - not intentional. If this continues I will be able to fulfill my (15 working) hours p/w for Centrelink. Yay! I just need to make sure we get enough work in so I can start giving myself a wage that is award rates.

On to other matters...

[ A book about a child's grief ]

I think I am finally realising that I actually do resent hubby's step-son and everything that happened at the time of his arrival into our lives. I'm sure it has to be that, as nothing else can explain why I keep feeling this way - why I feel like there are still issues with him. I feel absolutely terrible about being resentful. I wish he treated me the same way he does every other female in his life, but it's not to be like that unfortunately. I could NEVER take his mum's role away from him, I am his step-mum and I am okay with him calling me just by my name.

Yes I do agree that he has improved 10 fold, but there's still something. It's such a terribly awful thing as a human being to give him up (to give up any child) more so when there are 4 children involved and the care giver gives up just one of those. His poor little brain so bruised from the ordeal of having to leave his family home and his siblings and his grandma who could no longer cope with his behaviour. She thrusted him onto us threatening the foster care system as an alternative if we did not. 

Maybe it's not resentment... but I don't know what the hell it actually is, and should I even have to put a name on it?? It truly is a more difficult role being a step-mum to a little boy who only wants his earthly mum back and his siblings. His bad behaviour aside yes he does have a warm heart despite it all, he is so lucky to have that. I wish his mum had never passed away and I wish he still had his real family alongside him. I feel so saddened writing these words, tears coming to my eyes.

I think I am going to leave it here, I am bit lost for words now, and quite teary on the matter.