I wanted to write this blog late last year (in Nov/Dec 2021) because I thought perhaps my hubby had a fear of intimacy, we had not been intimate around each other for a long, long time; and I don't necessarily mean in the sexual sense either. I truly believe that one can be sexual and one can be intimate on different levels. Although some people mostly likely believe that intimacy goes hand-in-hand with sex.
When hubby and I first met (in early 2013) and then during the first few years, we were intimate in all sorts of ways, again, not just sexually. As an example kissing, holding hands, connecting emotionally, touch - as simple as resting ones hand on a thigh in a non-sexual way. Ever since then he's distant in that area and I would say for numerous reasons, but of the reasons he quite often uses is:
"my ex stole all my romance"
or
"I'm no longer as intimate because of her".
Now, I feel that's just a cop out, a meaningless excuse. He and his ex were together for about 18 months and separated when their son was one years old. Then he had a few casual sex encounters after that, right up until before we started chatting online around December 2012.
I honestly feel that there is some other loss going on inside him as to why he does not feel as intimate with me. And although he has started to really try to be touchy-feely it seems like so much effort on his part and it makes me feel lonely, deeply alone. And something I perhaps may not have acknowledged til now, is that there is a difference between being ALONE and being LONELY.
"There is a difference between
being Alone and being Lonely."
Firstly, what is Intimacy?
As I mentioned above, it is often thought to be of a romantic or sexual nature, perhaps this is the manner in which males are often thought to believe intimacy is all about. Intimacy is relevant in not just a relationship between a couple who is involved (sexually) but also in friendships. It is about letting others get to know the real you, from a deeper level:
- To be able to express Emotional feelings
- To have an open attitude towards Experiencing things
- To feel comfortable in Expressing ones opinions, thoughts, ideas...
- To share a natural Physical closeness
Perhaps this is why those who fear intimacy find it so difficult to be vulnerable, however in saying that, the types of people that have this fear are often those that are extroverts. Strange I know, but they find it easier to entertain a group of friends and mix and mingle whilst hiding this fear.
Secondly, why is there a fear of intimacy?
Underneath the fear of intimacy is lurking a bigger fear of abandonment. It's an interesting theory and one I was surprised to read about however it did ding a bell (so-to-speak) with me, because hubby's greatest fear in our relationship, particularly in the early years, prior to marriage, was the lack of security, the thoughts of
"will she leave me" or "am I not good enough"
the kind of thoughts we generally don't think men would be thinking, because of the misconception that men must be strong. It is my understanding that these types of fears stem from a past trauma, likely one from their childhood, where someone close to them abandoned them, or passed away. Or that they felt overwhelmed by the emotional needs of others.
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Thirdly, how can I be more intimate?
Intimacy takes time, but we can develop ways to build that into our relationships by trying one or many of the following:
- Accept that your relationship will have hurdles.
- Celebrate the positive things in your relationship.
- Acknowledge and be grateful for what you do have.
- Talk openly about feelings and what you need.
- Create opportunities for intimacy e.g. by open communication
