So alone - Relationship/Marriage Breakdown

 Finally, I can sit still, by myself and breathe. Just breathe and rest my heart and my mind.

Today was quiet, whilst hubby was away at Cudlee Creek on a huge property job, second trip there. I chose to stay home today to give Henry a break from the travelling of the scrap runs. And to give me a break.

My mum had another round of chemo today, from 10am to 5pm it was a long day for her and dad. And this played heavily on my mind, on my heart.

My daughter had a work shift at 6pm tonight (Friday) .

Hubby came home at about 5:40pm . He did not want to then take Tilli to work after driving and working all day. Understandably. 

Family dynamics have been on edge for a couple of days, but if you ask hubby he will say it's been more like 6 months! Always contradicting time frames with him.. 

There is no work / life balance at the moment. Life is hectic.

I feel so much more alone since mum found out she has breast cancer. I feel like I do not have my mum to lean on when my relationship with hubby gets hard; like I did a few months ago, when my mum was there for me and came down and went shopping with me. We even went out for coffee. I had her support then, but not now, I could not bring myself to share my troubles with her right now. I therefore don't have anyone to lean on right now. 

I'm tired of the arguing, the tears, the endless crying in the shower so no one else can see me hurting. I hate this - having to hide the tears from my kids, especially Henry. Sometimes Henry knows how I feel long before I do. 

Listening to my music tonight - well early hours of Saturday morning. helping me cry more at least. My mum has cancer, my mum has lost all of her hair because of the strong treatments. My Grandma is weak and it may not be long before she's no longer with us - she's 101 years old now. 

Our finances are not great, we have a car waiting to be re-possessed by the lender - it's been months now. We have a huge monthly phone bill that I struggle to pay and only 1 third of it is to do with me. Most of it is hubby's. When he's home he's more focused with his phone, playing a game or watching videos or tiktoks...

My relationship with my hubby is strained. He's told me he can not be romantic like he used to be in the start (nine years ago now). He's told me he struggles to be affectionate. It's been like that for months now. It hurts, it hurts so much to be married to a man who no longer can be affectionate or romantic with me. You have to think - surely it's me. There's something wrong with me. 

I don't want my arse slapped, I don't want it pinched. You know that's not what I like. Why... they always say they will never be like the guy you were last with. The guy that never gave you massages, the guy that never gave you much of anything really. And strangely that's where I see myself again now. Why are they like that.... Touch means so much to me. Emotional connection means so much more. I feel barren. I need both of those. When I was pregnant with my daughter Tilli I never got massages, never got my feet rubbed didn't get any support really from the guy I was with at that time. When I met my hubby I was told that he could never be like that guy. I never got massages when I was pregnant with Henry either. Why are guys so lazy... why are the guys I am with so lazy... 

I guess this is exactly why I could not be the casual sex type because I needed the emotional connection and the touching. I miss the early days, the early days when I was touched all the time. We've nearly been together 10 years now and married for 8 years.  Understandably my daughter is angry at me because I stay, she sees me, really sees me so she knows how much I am hurting. 

How can I be there for him how he wants me to be, supporting hi,m as a wife when he cannot see all this, no matter how many times I have brought it up with him and told. He just gets angry at me and says he's nothing like "him". But you are becoming like how he was, you may not be him, but you are behaving like the way he did when he was with me.

Having hardly any showers, smelling all the time, not brushing your teeth... sleeping on the couch so much, either because you know you smell or you just can't be bothered going to bed, In a way perhaps that is why I feel barren the way I do.

Does a Fear of Intimacy (in their man) affect women living with Chronic Pains?

 

I wanted to write this blog late last year (in Nov/Dec 2021) because I thought perhaps my hubby had a fear of intimacy, we had not been intimate around each other for a long, long time; and I don't necessarily mean in the sexual sense either. I truly believe that one can be sexual and one can be intimate on different levels. Although some people mostly likely believe that intimacy goes hand-in-hand with sex.

When hubby and I first met (in early 2013) and then during the first few years, we were intimate in all sorts of ways, again, not just sexually. As an example kissing, holding hands, connecting emotionally, touch - as simple as resting ones hand on a thigh in a non-sexual way. Ever since then he's distant in that area and I would say for numerous reasons, but of the reasons he quite often uses is:

 "my ex stole all my romance" 

or 

"I'm no longer as intimate because of her".

Now, I feel that's just a cop out, a meaningless excuse. He and his ex were together for about 18 months and separated when their son was one years old. Then he had a few casual sex encounters after that, right up until before we started chatting online around December 2012. 

I honestly feel that there is some other loss going on inside him as to why he does not feel as intimate with me. And although he has started to really try to be touchy-feely it seems like so much effort on his part and it makes me feel lonely, deeply alone. And something I perhaps may not have acknowledged til now, is that there is a difference between being ALONE and being LONELY.

"There is a difference between

 being Alone and being Lonely."

Firstly, what is Intimacy?

As I mentioned above, it is often thought to be of a romantic or sexual nature, perhaps this is the manner in which males are often thought to believe intimacy is all about. Intimacy is relevant in not just a relationship between a couple who is involved (sexually) but also in friendships. It is about letting others get to know the real you, from a deeper level:

• To be able to express Emotional feelings
• To have an open attitude towards Experiencing things
• To feel comfortable in Expressing ones opinions, thoughts, ideas...
• To share a natural Physical closeness

Perhaps this is why those who fear intimacy find it so difficult to be vulnerable, however in saying that, the types of people that have this fear are often those that are extroverts. Strange I know, but they find it easier to entertain a group of friends and mix and mingle whilst hiding this fear. 

Secondly, why is there a fear of intimacy?

Underneath the fear of intimacy is lurking a bigger fear of abandonment. It's an interesting theory and one I was surprised to read about however it did ding a bell (so-to-speak) with me, because hubby's greatest fear in our relationship, particularly in the early years, prior to marriage, was the lack of security, the thoughts of 

"will she leave me" or "am I not good enough" 

the kind of thoughts we generally don't think men would be thinking, because of the misconception that men must be strong. It is my understanding that these types of fears stem from a past trauma, likely one from their childhood, where someone close to them abandoned them, or passed away. Or that they felt overwhelmed by the emotional needs of others.

Thirdly, how can I be more intimate?

Intimacy takes time, but we can develop ways to build that into our relationships by trying one or many of the following:

1. Accept that your relationship will have hurdles.
2. Celebrate the positive things in your relationship.
3. Acknowledge and be grateful for what you do have.
4. Talk openly about feelings and what you need.
5. Create opportunities for intimacy e.g. by open communication

In my own relationship my husband and I are taking steps to re-awaken his romantic side with me. I already know that massages, even therapeutic ones are out of the question. The ache that fills deep inside me to be touched by him (in a non-sexual way) it's such a yearning I could very well write fiction about it; and yes that thought has already crossed my mind.

I shall likely write more about our intimacy progress in another blog entry in the near future.