So,
it doesn't matter
how many sad songs I listen to
doesn't matter how long
in to the night I cry
when you're not even here
by my side
can't even breathe
let alone sit still
rocking myself
never felt so good
when your touch
is all I ever longed for
this is gonna have to do.
Finally, I can sit still, by myself and breathe. Just breathe and rest my heart and my mind.
Today was quiet, whilst hubby was away at Cudlee Creek on a huge property job, second trip there. I chose to stay home today to give Henry a break from the travelling of the scrap runs. And to give me a break.
My mum had another round of chemo today, from 10am to 5pm it was a long day for her and dad. And this played heavily on my mind, on my heart.
My daughter had a work shift at 6pm tonight (Friday) .
Hubby came home at about 5:40pm . He did not want to then take Tilli to work after driving and working all day. Understandably.
Family dynamics have been on edge for a couple of days, but if you ask hubby he will say it's been more like 6 months! Always contradicting time frames with him..
There is no work / life balance at the moment. Life is hectic.
I feel so much more alone since mum found out she has breast cancer. I feel like I do not have my mum to lean on when my relationship with hubby gets hard; like I did a few months ago, when my mum was there for me and came down and went shopping with me. We even went out for coffee. I had her support then, but not now, I could not bring myself to share my troubles with her right now. I therefore don't have anyone to lean on right now.
I'm tired of the arguing, the tears, the endless crying in the shower so no one else can see me hurting. I hate this - having to hide the tears from my kids, especially Henry. Sometimes Henry knows how I feel long before I do.
Listening to my music tonight - well early hours of Saturday morning. helping me cry more at least. My mum has cancer, my mum has lost all of her hair because of the strong treatments. My Grandma is weak and it may not be long before she's no longer with us - she's 101 years old now.
Our finances are not great, we have a car waiting to be re-possessed by the lender - it's been months now. We have a huge monthly phone bill that I struggle to pay and only 1 third of it is to do with me. Most of it is hubby's. When he's home he's more focused with his phone, playing a game or watching videos or tiktoks...
My relationship with my hubby is strained. He's told me he can not be romantic like he used to be in the start (nine years ago now). He's told me he struggles to be affectionate. It's been like that for months now. It hurts, it hurts so much to be married to a man who no longer can be affectionate or romantic with me. You have to think - surely it's me. There's something wrong with me.
I don't want my arse slapped, I don't want it pinched. You know that's not what I like. Why... they always say they will never be like the guy you were last with. The guy that never gave you massages, the guy that never gave you much of anything really. And strangely that's where I see myself again now. Why are they like that.... Touch means so much to me. Emotional connection means so much more. I feel barren. I need both of those. When I was pregnant with my daughter Tilli I never got massages, never got my feet rubbed didn't get any support really from the guy I was with at that time. When I met my hubby I was told that he could never be like that guy. I never got massages when I was pregnant with Henry either. Why are guys so lazy... why are the guys I am with so lazy...
I guess this is exactly why I could not be the casual sex type because I needed the emotional connection and the touching. I miss the early days, the early days when I was touched all the time. We've nearly been together 10 years now and married for 8 years. Understandably my daughter is angry at me because I stay, she sees me, really sees me so she knows how much I am hurting.
How can I be there for him how he wants me to be, supporting hi,m as a wife when he cannot see all this, no matter how many times I have brought it up with him and told. He just gets angry at me and says he's nothing like "him". But you are becoming like how he was, you may not be him, but you are behaving like the way he did when he was with me.
Having hardly any showers, smelling all the time, not brushing your teeth... sleeping on the couch so much, either because you know you smell or you just can't be bothered going to bed, In a way perhaps that is why I feel barren the way I do.
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Drinking: Water | Weather: Mild but cloudy, with a chance of storms
So, since I last wrote my mum has started her Chemo treatment, she just had her second round on Friday. I haven't been to see her for a few weeks because I keep getting sick and I do not want to pass anything on to her during her 5 months of treatment for the Breast Cancer. I was going to see her on Thursday just gone but my glands swelled up in my neck and my fibro flared - I thought better safe to stay at home; sadly I think we both miss each others company.
It's always the way though, I book a medical appointment and the day before I get sick! With some bug or other that my boys have picked up from school.
I have been sending mum a lot of pictures, photos of animated images or photos from my garden in hopes it will cheer her up a little, or at least allow her to focus on some other areas of life whilst going through this huge and unpleasant treatment process. I believe mum has so far experienced loss of appetite and nausea. I know she has been resting a lot, but my parents are not very forthcoming with information during this process, though having said that, my Dad did send me a photograph of mum on Friday having her treatment - hubby said she looked okay in the photograph. Probably braving a pleasant face for the camera. When I asked my Dad how you go to the toilet whilst having the treatment, Dad said you have to wait! Oh my gosh! That's a long time when you have a weak bladder and you are supposed to keep yourself hydrated throughout the treatment.
Here are some side affects from the Chemotherapy.
Eating: Vegemite on Buttered Bread & Drinking: Black Tea
I've managed to find some time to sit and write (fingers crossed with no interruptions).
I found out very recently that mum has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, it's stage 2, but a rapid growing one which is not good; it has already spread to her lymph nodes (which are located under her arm-pit). She is due to start Chemo on Friday 9th September 2022.
I have been spending more time with mum during this early phase of testing (so many tests she has to get done before Chemo starts). After about 4-5 months of Chemo is the surgery. I told my mum that she will not be alone through this diagnosis that we are all fighting alongside her.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month in Australia.
