Drinking: Black Tea
Feeling accomplished with my admin work for Turf Terminator, which is huge for me, this week I have spent on average 3 hours or so per day on it. Though most of today was spent on the road, I still managed to get in 3 hours total - not intentional. If this continues I will be able to fulfill my (15 working) hours p/w for Centrelink. Yay! I just need to make sure we get enough work in so I can start giving myself a wage that is award rates.
On to other matters...
I think I am finally realising that I actually do resent hubby's step-son and everything that happened at the time of his arrival into our lives. I'm sure it has to be that, as nothing else can explain why I keep feeling this way - why I feel like there are still issues with him. I feel absolutely terrible about being resentful. I wish he treated me the same way he does every other female in his life, but it's not to be like that unfortunately. I could NEVER take his mum's role away from him, I am his step-mum and I am okay with him calling me just by my name.
Yes I do agree that he has improved 10 fold, but there's still something. It's such a terribly awful thing as a human being to give him up (to give up any child) more so when there are 4 children involved and the care giver gives up just one of those. His poor little brain so bruised from the ordeal of having to leave his family home and his siblings and his grandma who could no longer cope with his behaviour. She thrusted him onto us threatening the foster care system as an alternative if we did not.
Maybe it's not resentment... but I don't know what the hell it actually is, and should I even have to put a name on it?? It truly is a more difficult role being a step-mum to a little boy who only wants his earthly mum back and his siblings. His bad behaviour aside yes he does have a warm heart despite it all, he is so lucky to have that. I wish his mum had never passed away and I wish he still had his real family alongside him. I feel so saddened writing these words, tears coming to my eyes.
I think I am going to leave it here, I am bit lost for words now, and quite teary on the matter.
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