Bohemian Solitude

Drinking: Lemonade    Listening to: Anthem Lights, Hymn Capella Album

I'm in a very volatile place at the moment, I've spent the better part of the day doing housework when really all I wanted to do was stay in bed and rest. I've picked up some bug and my throat and neck are so painful, I didn't sleep very well last night so that doesn't help the fibro much anyway; I didn't sleep well because of the pain in my throat. I woke up at some point and sucked on a throat lozenge then started falling asleep with it in my mouth! I hate it when that happens. 

I managed to clean the toilet this morning after making porridge for the boys and myself - which I made more for me then anyone, even if Henry (6) asked me to make it for him. And of course Blair (9) wants anything that Henry is having. Then I had some Vegemite toast to balance out the sweet porridge with some savoury - before a migraine triggered. Henry never ate his 2 slices, I kind of figured he wouldn't because I gave him so much porridge (oats). About 30 minutes later Blair decides that he wants toast as well. So I told him to eat Henry's slices. He stood there in the middle of the kitchen floor and ate both slices without any butter or condiments! Seriously! I told him to stop being so lazy. In hindsight I should have made him at least get out a plate.

Everything Blair has done today - has been done with little to no effort. He has chosen to not help with any of the dishes - not washing them, nor putting any away. (There was the equivalent of 3 days worth.) Even though I have allowed him to sit and watch YouTube for the better part of the day. And I let him watch a movie in his bedroom late yesterday. I allowed him to play with his sensory sand - even though it pisses me off when he gets little bits of it everywhere! And I mean literally everywhere.

On the other hand, Henry has not stopped showing me love, through hugs, smiles, or simply telling me that he loves me. So adorable. Somehow a little annoying but I try not to let it phase me so much, because one day he'll be a teenager (or a 9 year old!) Don't get me wrong he hasn't been all hugs and love today. He made a B-choice and decided to (attempt) to trash his scooter on the trampoline, and when that didn't work he tossed one of Blair's thong's over the fence. Which is kind of funny because I wasn't happy with Blair. 

Tilli (14) stayed last night (and tonight) at a friend's house. Which gives me a nice break from her - her teenage years have been so hard - and me being the empath that I am I have always found it so terribly hard to be just that - hard on my kids. I have gotten better over the years though - I have discovered a new sense of confidence. But lately it's more a case of:

    Yes, I am a Mum.    

No, I do not want to be a parent anymore.

And I know that's a thing with a lot of other mum's and parents, I have a few articles about it. Kids these days are so different - our generation tends to blame the Digital Revolution.

I just told hubby, via an instant message through fb, that I am very thankful that he opted to stay in our bedroom because it has stopped me from "hurting myself". I also told him that I thought he has taken my blade away from me because I couldn't find it in my drawer. Stupid me though I left it sitting in front of me whilst I started typing out this blog tonight. When he came over to embrace me - he took it away, sneakily. That made me feel a whole mix of emotions all at once, but most especially I felt thankful. And I know he has my best interest at heart. 

And in regards to the "hurting myself" over the past few years I have actually only attempted it twice, they have only ever been surface cuts. Insignificant - to me. Probably not to anyone else.