Monday's psych session went well I guess... I had a few "ah-aah" moments and a few oh no's. It just means we will be unpacking some baggage over the next few sessions or so. 

Seems I'm suffering with a substantial amount of PTSD at the present, and it's well and truly messing with my head - both consciously and subconsciously. 

As if I don't already have enough going on in my life!

"sighs".

Just a short one today, as I really don't know where else to start, or perhaps it's more a case of I'm not feeling in the blog writing mood.

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Drinking: vanilla chamomile tea

Melancholy Musings

Drinking: Chamomile Vanilla Tea |  Listening to: Spotify Bnspyrd by Acoustic Sounds | Feeling: depressed

Listening to my Spotify playlist - Bnspyrd by Acoustic Sounds trying to find some combination of solace and motivation at the same time. Pity about the weather in Seaford, South Australia today - it's so cold, after my sunny walk on the beach the other day, the only essence of the beach I am getting today are the cries of the seagulls being blown around in the gusty winds. It's always the way though, I start a new (outdoor) routine to help my body - and my mood, and the bloody weather has to ruin it. It's blowing a gale with the forecast for more bad weather. Although it's still summer here I may just have to pop the heater on tonight if it stays like this. 

Hubby managed to book us in for an emergency psych appointment - so need one, I'm still wound up in the events of number 9's violence on January 11th 2021. I suppose it's not too uncommon to be fearful for one's life with a destructive child in the same home, a child that is capable of influencing and manipulating a 6 year old. 

Will write more post psych appointment...

I so desperately need "me time".

I need time out from everyone else's emotions and thoughts AND needs.

My brain and my empathetic nature is in overload.

My head hurts - deep inside and out.

I can't seem to get any time to myself, any true time.

I'm tired of being there for everyone.

I guess for you to imagine what it's like, think of a million voices whispering in your head all at once, some talking loud, some talking louder.

And your body, aching, sore, tender, burning.

--

I have been playing a mind game of late:

I imagine myself packing a small bag, and heading down south for the weekend.

I am - just me - by myself.

No digital devices.

A place to recapture me.

To breathe again.

--

It's so incredibly hard living daily with Fibro and Endo and PTSD AND having to constantly be on the watch for ALL of my garden plants and house decor; in case number 9 decides to destroy something. AGAIN.

I need to check out, somehow.

The violence of January 11th has not settled within me, and has been proven since that is still an issue in the home - sadly.

- Odé to be an innocent child again, growing up in a world where digital devices hardly existed.

 

Fibro Flare

 

OMFG! I am regretting walking so far this morning. 

My bursitis in my right hip is angry!

I was really surprised when hubby said at the dinner table that I should just keep pushing past the pain. His comment made me feel angry. I attempted to explain to him why I actually shouldn't push past the pain, I don't think it helped at all. I managed to cook a nice meal for dinner though - beef & beetroot patties with penné and a really nice Greek style dressing. I think personally I would have eaten it in a salad with some greens, but having three kids it's just easier and more cost efficient to use pasta. 

I was exhausted after eating though - well more like a HUGE tiredness over my entire body, I literally could not move, even my feet were in pain. I've been limping because of my (right) hip bursitis, yet I managed to cook dinner for the family and feed both our dogs and the cat. All the while completely forgetting about the sprinkler I had on the front lawn. Ffs! 

Fibro Flare  |  

Slept fairly heavy (for a change) last night, I really must stop watching Criminal Minds right before bed - I can usually handle the graphic content on many of the episodes, however lately it is affecting me considerably. I don't really want to be having nightmares about slaughtering live animals particularly right before my school morning alarm goes off. "Good morning beautiful, how was your night.... " my alarm sound is a song. Sometimes it will go off and Henry (who still sleeps in our bed at age 6!) will sing a long with it. Such a sweety.

I discovered this morning that hubby had no jobs booked in today - not good for business but rather nice for us to spend some quality time together. Something we nearly never manage to find. I've had a terrible case of allergies this week - damn wild grasses in our area. We decided to go for a walk on our local beach - the tide was out, the sun shining and the sea was relatively flat - so beautiful. Yesss! We finally made it to the beach this Summer. Last year 2020 we didn't. A few years ago when Henry (our 6 year old) was smaller we often went for a regular walk along the beach - in the water one way, then the sand on the way back.

It was an absolutely beautiful walk - I set myself a goal and managed to push myself to make it without too much pain from my fibromyalgia. Walking in the water itself - nearly to knee height certainly helps build strength. I am feeling extremely fatigued now - an hour or so post-beach walk. Must keep myself awake, perhaps time for some lunch.

Moana Beach, South Australia | Exercise and Fibromyalgia | Disturbing Nightmares | 

Introduction about my life as an artist and in chronic pain

An Introduction:

I created this blog because I needed a place to share about my life....

Primarily, I am a freelance artist - the Bnspyrd name has been around on the internet for many years, providing free resources (like vintage photos, child-stock, textures and background borders) for other artists to use in their artistic endeavours. However although I dearly love creating and sharing these I have been unable to for many years, and this saddens me; for the most part I have little to no motivation to create and have faced many a hurdle. #artistsblock

Yesterday, I celebrated (I don't think I can really call it a celebration) our 6 year Wedding Anniversary, we spent a brief amount of time together sharing our memories of the odd Summer's day that we came together as one; in the garden of our (then) home. Which is just a stone's throw from where we are now - in the seaside suburb of Seaford, South Australia. It does not seem like 6 years have passed - yet we have already been planning for our 10 year Wedding Anniversary, especially ALL the special touches we will include that we missed out on with our rather rushed original Wedding. The wedding had a vintage theme.

Anyhow, I have #Fibromyalgia - I was officially diagnosed in late 2019 via a Rheumatologist and confirmed via a chronic pain clinic/physiotherapist in early 2020. I then went on to do a chronic pain course for 8 weeks (which thankfully was subsidised by a scholarship and covered by Medicare). The course included access to a dietitian/nutritionist, a psychologist, Pilates/physio gym equipment, personal trainers that specialise in chronic pain and injuries. It was a very informative course run by the Marion Physiotherapy team. And yes I would highly recommend the chronic pain course - not for sufferers of Fibromyalgia though.

I also have #Endometriosis officially diagnosed in early 2001 but the pains experienced through out my childhood.

So, combining both Endo and Fibro with the newísh addition to the family - a (then 8 years old) step-son who was forced into our care one weekend and has numerous issues - mostly behavioural; my life is like walking on egg-shells EVERY day! Imagine if you had to be hypervigilient all the time? Well that's what it's like with him in the house, it is so incredibly exhausting. I will write more about him another time.

I have a daughter from a previous domestic violence relationship which lasted 9 years, she was just 3 years old when I managed to leave (also another story for another post). She is currently 14 years old, and a son who is 6 years old from my marriage.

My blog will primarily be about my life surrounding the challenges of living with these chronic illnesses, combined with PTSD and any of the aforementioned. It will also include many positive highlights of my journey through and then out of this mess. It will include my self-discovery through my art which I will likely share on this platform and provide links as to where you can also view it online. I would also very much like to hear from any other bloggers who may face the same or similar life hurdles as I am; please feel free to leave your blog link in the comments section on this post.

To get through the hardest journey you need to take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. (Chinese Proverbs)

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Fibromyalgia  |  Domestic Violence  |  Endometriosis  |  PTSD