Selfless vs. Selfish People, Altruism Types (and the struggle beyond domestic violence)

[WARNING: This blog entry may contain triggers.]

 Selfless versus Selfish

I have been wanting to write about the difference(s) between a selfless person and a selfish person and the affects it has had on me personally, with a background of domestic violence.

• As the Cambridge Dictionary puts it a Selfless person is someone who cares more for the needs of others than themselves. 

• And a Selfish person is someone who only thinks of themselves and not of the needs of others.

It's something that matters to me, because I was always a kind child growing up  and have always put everyone's needs before mine. It is only very recently that I have discovered how much of a struggle it is for me to to pour a little more tea in my own cup first, before filling the cups of everyone else. 

"It is a struggle for me,

 to to pour a little more tea

 in my own cup first, 

before filling the cups 

of everyone else."

- Natasha Howland

I am fairly certain that this type of person I have become is based heavily on a domestic violent relationship I was in for nearly nine years. I say this because the man I was with was extremely selfish and my life was controlled by always doing things for him. I suppose I am lucky in that I have not become a selfish person myself. Thankful that I am still kind. However it has made me really struggle in taking time for Self-Care -another blog entry I shall write about soon: 

                        How selfless people find it hard to practice  self-care or rather healthy selfishness.

You might have heard of the word - Altruism? I'm fairly certain I had heard it at some point over the years, most likely in some great historical event. What I did not realise is that it is another word for Selfless and I have discovered a few interesting versions of the word, which then led me to some realisations as well.

Well apparently there are a four different ways one can be altruistic and they carry with it different motivations for being that way.

1. Reciprocal Altruism: helping someone simply because one day they may be able to help you. (Unfortunately this type can often lead to disappointment.) Although I feel this one leans more towards being Selfish.
2. Genetic Altruism: is linked to human survival instinct, it benefits family members and is common in parent-child relationships. It is all about the parent sacrificing their time, money and energy for the child. 
3. Pure Altruism: this is the most unselfish type of altruism. It is helping others without expecting reciprocity or rewards.
4. Group-selected Altruism: this one is interesting because like reciprocal altruism it too leads to a slightly more selfish act. And example could be 

The type of Altruism or rather Selflessness I sometimes have is the type that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in my body - a bit like a relaxing feeling. For example when giving my hubby a neck and back massage (a therapeutic one) the more relaxing it is for him and the more relief he feels from it, the more I feel overall happiness and relaxed. Now for me to feel this way from doing this I need to be fully comfortable in where I am sitting so that my body is supported and my fibro won't flare; including in my fingers and wrists.

I find this an odd realisation because if anything I would have thought I would feel more negative feelings. So with some more research and a look into the science behind the acts of feeling good by altruism and how it can relieve physical pain I have discovered that it can boost well being and resilience even after a traumatic event. You can read more information about this in the links I have provided throughout this blog entry.

Here are some helpful ways to be more Altruistic:

1. Put others before yourself
2. Sacrifice your time and money to help another
3. Anticipate needs of others
4. Offer support
5. Forgiveness
6. Not expecting something in return
7. Be considerate of others
8. Be a Role Model