Bohemian Solitude

Drinking: Dilmah Rose & Vanilla Black Tea    Eating: Lamingtons

I thought (perhaps along with the many other Australians) that DES providers were more empathetic towards their clients then the regular job network providers. I've only had my first intake appointment so far - it was supposed to be a 45 min one - it lasted 2 hours! Two very draining, over informing hours with AtWork Australia. I wish I had my hubby's Job Coach - she was amazing, she helped him out and everything, he doesn't have her anymore though I believe she has moved on to another position or something; but at the same office hubby has a different job coach. Anyhow mine, talks a lot my first thoughts was how lovely she seemed, her office was quite appealing, decorated with soft pink decor and lots of crystals. Initially it was a positive experience but as the time ticked on I became more worrisome and concerned over just how much pressure was being put on me. Since my appointment I have had several migraines, this morning I had a massive Fibro Flare  I had woken up earlier and not felt as pained as a flare can be, however on returning to my bed I lay there and became so intensely sore and achy. I didn't want to go on my phone I just wanted to lay there and try a bout of mindfulness, but I couldn't even get that to work for me, as I kept getting intrusive thoughts. I think these thoughts started before my AtWork appointment but I am not 100% certain. I can pinpoint when I do start having them though - it's when I am around the knives in the kitchen - in particular, the new Japanese knives we bought a few months ago. They have really decorative handles with indented nodules that feel nice when I touch them, the blades are super sharp. When I have washed the dishes of late and I see one or more of these knives I get the intrusive thoughts of having to self-harm. Then my rational self tells me that I can't do that because it would hurt a lot, and there would be blood loss, and that wouldn't be good. But my irrational self is so over-whelming that it upsets me and brings me to tears. It wasn't until this arvo that I looked it up online to see why or to find some answers as to this new thing. As if a fibro flare wasn't bad enough now my daily stress has to throw some mental distress into the mix as well. 

I'm feeling very overwhelmed with the next steps with my DES provider, I do welcome the help but not the process. I need to be working at least 15 hours per week and am hoping I get call this week from Savers where I put an application in on Friday last week. Working there would be my first real job - not including all the art contracts I have had for book illustrations, and the admin/graphic design work I have done pro-bono for family since 1997. My bad health has certainly contributed a lot to my job/career, that and busy being a mother raising 2 children at different times in my life. So some retail work with a business that acknowledges that people come with many different disabilities and problems, but can also be quite creative a the same time; appeals to me immensely.

Today was hard.

Hard to get out of bed, I had said the night before I would make a hot breakfast for brunch. I really wanted a poached egg on smashed avo toast but it came at the expense of me making it. So oft is the case - if I fancy something I have to make it. Hubby was also having a bad morning he too sounded deeply depressed. So when brunch was ready he didn't come out to eat his as he felt nauseous and had a really bad headache. I felt - a lot of feelings at once I suppose, worried for him and sad at the same time that he wasn't able to enjoy the food with me. I also had made my daughter some food. I made a pot of English Breakfast tea today with brunch, it was the nicest part of the meal.

I had told Henry I would take him to a playground today, at some point, but he kept hounding me about it, and with hubby in bed (all day) I was slowly losing interest. I never did go out to the park, and I do feel bad for not keeping to my word. I did do a lot today though, after brunch I washed all the dishes, which included several from the day before as well, the kitchen was hot from the morning and afternoon sunshine coming through the patio roof. I made Henry his lunch around 1pm and his milkshake. The sun made me more irritable. I nipped out to get hubby his much needed meds. I attempted to hose my car down - errm well it looked clean when it was wet! I swept half of the kitchen floor and got Henry to dust-pan the crumbs. I went out to Woolies briefly to pick up a few items. When I came home I decided I would sit outside on the front porch and have my cuppa there with a couple of lamington fingers. But I couldn't even enjoy that in peace without the cat meowing out me and licking my skin. Then the new sapol helicopter flew overhead and did a few circles around out neighborhood. I could still hear the boys out the back playing obnoxiously. 

I felt defeated.