Day 3 of South Australia's 7-Day Lockdown

 Drinking: water

Day 3 of South Australia's 7-Day Lock-down.

I started the day out okay, I made porridge for Henry and myself (there was enough left for Tilli when she woke up as well). Breakfast ended up being a brunch as it was after 11:30am - I found out that Blair had been awake and not eaten breakfast. Seriously! So when he asked for porridge as well I told him no, and that he needed to eat a bowl of Weetbix. The household was well aware that given we were having breakfast so late we wouldn't need lunch, just an afternoon snack. I'm pretty sure they all agreed with me. That was until the afternoon came around. 2pm and both the boys wanted something to eat - that was only 2 hours after brunch! 

Maybe it seemed I started the day out okay, but on some other level I really wasn't okay. Tonight I am feeling depressed. Again I put together a meal for the family, again I fed the dogs and the cat AND the aquarium fish. Again I washed the dishes from the day. Three days of doing the same olé same olé routine. My back is really sore tonight, in the lower and the middle near the spine, I have a heatbag on it at the moment, sitting at my desk. My head is aching, my neck is really quite painful, and has been for over a month now. Yes I stopped the contraceptive pill but I am still waiting for the migraines to stop, for a period to start?? I honestly think I am perimenopausal - that would certainly explain the moods and the bloody annoying hot flushes.

Severe weather forecast across the entire state overnight wind in excess of 100kms per-hour! 

Digital Art

 

I found love in the Strangest Place

Digital mixed media art

By

Bnspyrd

Day 2 of South Australia's 7-Day LOCKDOWN

 Drinking: Dilmah Rose & French Vanilla Black Tea

Well Day 1 of the 7-Day Lockdown happened yesterday, the boys are behaving as though it's school holidays still, they had one day back at school this week - Tuesday (as they were both sick on Monday. It's hard enough getting Henry off to school as it is without having a bloody lockdown. Hubby let me sleep in to nearly the middle of the day, I sure as heck needed it after the night before - taking care of hubby and 2 of the kids in one night is a lot for my body. After the sleep in hubby went out to the shed to continue decommissioning the scrap metal items. Yesterday's temperature was freezing, but it's even colder today!! I allowed the boys to watch a little tellie via You-Tube from 4pm til dinner was ready. They could easily watch it ALL day! Tilli kept to herself in her room, resting her injured thigh in her bed, she badly needed to sleep but was somehow unable to, poor thing. 

The weather has been so cold that I have had the heater in the lounge on all night and all day at the moment. Yet I have one son who thinks it's summer cause he is wearing shorts and a tee-shirt! I have many layers on (sitting in my bedroom at my art desk) even a scarf and gloves (the gloves with the exposed fingers). I can literally feel the cold air around my exposed skin - my ears and face. Unfortunately the heater in the lounge does not reach our bedrooms - they remain as cold as the air outside pretty much - and the temperature on our front porch is 8 degrees Celsius so our bedroom is probably 10 degrees Celsius. On my weather app it says that it is 9.1 degrees outside yet feels like 4 degrees!! 

The boys are both doing my head in today, I have had one panic attack when my DES worker rung me and said she may have a job for me. Like seriously what happened to keeping me in the 2 admin jobs I am already working and helping me to stay in them through your funding you offer. The stress from that combined with the kids being home AND lockdown has instantly put my mind into a lack of control and confusion; meaning I am already having negative thoughts - though fleeting, of self harm. Which also makes my head worse - it's been nearly a month now with chronic migraines - what gives! It's been 2 weeks since I had to stop taking the contraceptive pill - because the migraines puts me at increase risk for stroke.

*sighs*

I see my doctor, late next Wednesday afternoon to get a new medical certificate for Centrelink/DES. I'm so worried that my migraines are a result of what they found in my MRI scan of my brain, I wish I could see that neurologist sooner then 12 months! At least to rule out that it's not a tumor and the cyst is not causing the migraines.

Home schooling all three kids whilst in lockdown sucks big time, We have to teach them stuff that we ourselves were never taught when we went through school. We have three different levels of learning: Henry is age 6 in grade 1, Blair is 10 in grade 4 and Tilli is nearly 15 in grade 9. What's stupid is that Henry's school work for the lockdown is more extensive then Blair's! That's 3 instant headaches right there!

On a good news front - Henry has now been sleeping in his own bed for the past 2 nights - we got bunk beds again and I gave him the top bunk. That means I can sleep through the night in my own bed more comfortably.

Loneliness though Married

 I'm so lonely...

I try to talk to him, but I always feel like I am being shut down.That he doesn't have the time to talk to me, even if it's a brief moment, a few seconds of time to ask something so simple. Sadness has seeped in now that I cannot even have (true) personal time with my hubby. It's not too much to ask, nor should I even have to. I have great conversations with my 6 year old - but that's different, although he acts like he's a teenager. I yearn to have someone of my age and intellect to communicate with. I have no emotional or intellectual connection.

It seems to be a bit of a trigger as well, in my past emotions and affection were controlled by my partner at the time. 

He seems to have all the time in the world for his mate, he makes time for him, but not me, all we do is argue. he doesn't know me anymore, I love him so much, yet I don't love this feeling, I don't love the hole that's creeping in my heart, the part of me that yearns to be touched, a hand to be held, a hug to hide. I feel broken. I've even told him that I am yearning for an emotional and intellectual connection - yet he doesn't have it in him. I feel like I am dying, a part of me is dying the part of me that is love. He seemed to freak out when he thought I wanted to end our marriage - seriously this is not that, although it does feel a little like a broken heart because his new passion is his mate. He messages him all the time, a few times a day, he plays an online game with him all the time. He works with him. I don't think it is his mate's fault - I think it is what my hubby wants to do. 

It hurts so much.

We've become so distant, he doesn't even seem a part of life anymore, even though we live in the same home. We're like passing shadows of what we once were.

-

I need someone, please is there anyone, is there someone listening to me. 

I've tried talking to my imagination, but no one hears me anymore.

I've cried too many times, yet there is no emotion.

No one is there for me.

Alone.

Migraines...

 Drinking: Black Tea | Eating: wholemeal toast with Vegemite

I hate migraines! I hate a lot of things come to think of it, my body's neurological system is a wreck. I've been having migraines - the classic ones with the tummy ache and nausea first as well as the aura ones - those latter ones are awful. I get like a kaleidoscope of flashing lights for what seems like ages either out of both eyes or just the one eye - usually my good eye. I can still kind of see but not so great, and it leaves me feeling dizzy and overwhelmed. I was trying to hang up a load of washing last Friday when one started. It didn't dawn on me that it was going to be a migraine because I rarely get aura ones. Wouldn't have mattered anyway because I can't take any painkillers to help reduce the pain.

I can't take pain killers for anything at the moment! Nothing I take seems to be working. Is it like a massive bad batch or something?? So I put up with the aches and pains of it all, whether it be Endometriosis, Fibromyalgia or migraine! If I had to do a would you rather scenario here I would rather Endo and Fibro at the same time than a bloody migraine.

Anyway I finally got in to see my doctor, it's taken like a month of Sunday's to make it there as I kept on picking up a bug. And that meant that I would have to face a barrage of Covid related questions and more than likely not be allowed to have a face-to-face appointment; of which I have been desperately needing to find out my blood test results and query the cyst on the brain that I read in the report from the MRI I had a few weeks ago now. AND to do a new mental health plan.

So... on telling my doctor about my migraines she told me she wants me to stop taking the pill. The Pill! The Contraceptive Pill!! For various reasons - mainly because it is probably why I am getting migraines all the time now, which puts me at much greater risk of a stroke (among other things). I never was taking the pill to stop me from getting pregnant - I started it way back when I was in my early twenties (prior to sex even becoming a factor). It was recommended to me by a sexual health social worker through SHINE with whom I was seeing in regards to a really awful internet date that happened in the late 1990s. Yeah my first date from a dude I met online - screwed me up for many years. One could say - at least I survived it - because I very nearly didn't. 

Anyway I have been taking the Pill for about 25 years now I reacon and suddenly being told to not take it is like a slap in the face - I think I am going to listen to this advice this time is because of the enormous risk I now have facing me if I do continue to take the pill. But to walk away from my doctor with no pain relief from the migraines is a tad disconcerting. I shouldn't have to be - used to pain; there should be some kind of relief out there for me. I can't take Codeine and I'm allergic to Penicillin.

I started writing this blog entry last night and I guess I should really finish up writing it tonight. I have so much to say on this topic. My head and my neck are killing me and have been for well over 14 days now. And yeah I am used to the intensity of this pain and I've had enough of it on top of everything else. 

I am on night 2 of not having the pill. I was the kind of woman that skipped her periods indefinitely as my way of escaping the Endo pains - it would work for the most part until some invisible cycle whooshed around again and the pains would be agonising. This past year or so has been Endo pains combined with Fibro pains. It's been hell! There's been no relief - and now it's going to get worse and there's nothing I can do about it. It's going to be Endo pains plus the irregular heavy bleeding and everything else.